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The Comedy of
George Carlin |
A
hippy dippy Texas disc jockey who morphed into the ultimate off-center thinker. |
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated
closest to the bathroom.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a moron.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people
who believe it.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't
tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize
I'm listening to it.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea
is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together
is certain death.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of
things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have
time for all that.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had
an argument going.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere,
someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but
I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent
past.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long
period of time.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what
do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day,"
I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he
had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a
group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay,
that's enough of that." If lawyers are
disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I
wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be
that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than
that.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it
deliberately.
This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they
are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer
like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy
kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those
who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's
last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to
wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a
boat and drink beer all day.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
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- Classic Carlin
brain droppings, including a 2006 daily calendar. What a hoot!