Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling why she shot you.

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I don't even know how Jell-O works. Let me tell you what I'm talking about. Any other liquid that you put into the refrigerator or the freezer, and it turns into a solid; if you take it back out, it will go back to a liquid. Not Jell-O. Once Jell-O becomes...Jell-O, it is Jell-O for eternity! The only possible way to turn it back into a liquid is to put it in your mouth and go... (sucking noises).

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, "holds 6-12 pounds" they're not kidding!

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, "You know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty."

Whatever cleanin' goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean sumpin' up we're gonna talk about it all year long... "Look don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray, I done got it alright? Did it for you, Sweet Pea."

You just might be a redneck... if you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

There's a whole segment of the population with a mentality that bases good times on where they can go and what they can buy.

My whole career can be summed up with "Ignorance is bliss." When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.