I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

     As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree," probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

     Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

     I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

     In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows

     I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

     I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

     I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

     Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

     If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

     Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.