Anybody who watches three games of
football in a row should be declared brain dead. The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever
seen that I didn't have to clean.
My theory on housework is, if the
item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No
one cares. Why should you?
Did you ever
notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Never go to a doctor whose office
plants have died.
I just clipped 2 articles from a
current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The
other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
Giving birth is little more than
a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
Getting out of
the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the
computer says you're out of it.
Spend at least one Mother's Day
with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a
gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.
No one ever died from sleeping in
an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because
there's a wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked.
My second
favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed
until I faint.
Seize the moment. Remember all
those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.
It goes
without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
I've exercised
with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
I never leaf
through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a
society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
I come from a
family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Humor is a
spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's unplanned,
it's full of surprises.
- A woman who could write 600 funny words on any subject.