A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds

There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.

The reason there's a penalty for laughing in court is that otherwise the jury would never be able to hear the evidence.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the difference between dog and man.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

It is easier to stay out than get out.

In the real world, nothing happens at the right place at the right time. It is the job of journalists and historians to correct that.

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

To eat is human; to digest, divine.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.

There are lies, damned lies and statistics.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.